This is the first time I lived with my in-laws for such a long duration in India. My MIL is a kind person but she is very traditional, I can never understand or accept some of her beliefs. Last time when she was here with us we fought for things which later I felt were extremely silly. So while packing my bags to India I was tensed and nervous worrying how I will manage to stay a month with them. Within few days of stay itself I found that she has changed a lot, she can accept me like the way I am and that is one big positive change. Some incidents I wanted to note down for my own sake.
When my MIL is around, the day would always start with a freshly brewed filter coffee, last time she was here she would hand over the coffee cup to R while she expects me to pick coffee from Kitchen, there are other reasons that I wake up late and all that, but it would hurt me knowing that she loves her son more than me. But this time every single day she gave me coffee in my hand whenever I woke up. I can’t tell you how much happy and excited I am to know that she treats me more like a daughter than a daughter in law.
One day I came back from home tired with a bad headache, I took bath and later I went to my bed and was lying down. My MIL came and she asked me to wake up, she had some salt in her hand and she wanted to remove Nazar. I felt so touched when she did it. I felt my Mom was there right in front of me. Later she made me coffee and I must say her coffee has some magical power. It makes you feel fresh and all the tiredness vanished.
In my in-laws house, girls are supposed to stay away during days of period, I heard from R that even his sister used to get upset with those. I have grown in a family where there were no such restrictions. So it was difficult for me to understand and follow such practice. This time I knew I would get my periods when I was there, I was tensed and worried how I could manage, but I was extremely surprised when things went all fine. There weren’t any restrictions. A sweet surprise, when did she change so much?
Once I complained that I am falling sick eating outside, well it was my choice to eat outside everyday so that I can cover all good restaurants around that area, the following day I had my lunchbox packed with fresh idlys and chutneys. We would reach home around midnight and that day onwards she would make dinner for us fresh at 11PM, we hog all that and sleep, and I must say it was Bliss. When we were travelling back she packed lot of homemade goodies, I just have to cook rice and her podi’s and pickles serves as a dish. She made special garlic powder knowing that I love that. I am so thankful to her for being so considerate.
I also tried not to do things which would hurt her, for eg she thinks rice shouldn’t be put on to the plate first, it has to be curry or chutney followed by rice, I don’t get it but I always made sure to do that, well I missed it once and she caught me. I tried to help her whenever I could, my work schedule kept me away from home for long but now that I am managing home and a child I could feel her pain.
Cloths would get magically washed, dried and ironed, not that she did it herself, but each activity requires time and effort to make it happen. My FIL even took all my salwars to dry clean and got them ready before we came back. I reminded them that I will wash my cloths over weekends but accumulating them for a week is not a concept in India. R is a pampered kid when he is at home with mom and I got to experience that luxury myself. I am truly touched.
Last time we had difference of opinion in terms of parenting, well I wouldn’t listen to her version because I always felt I am right and internet is right, I didn’t listen to her practical advises. After she left and we started managing our own I realized my mistakes. This time I left Chucky with them for many days, I wouldn’t give them any instructions what to do, what to feed etc. I asked her to take call and I must say we had a relaxed time. I didn’t even bother to ask her in the night what Chucky did, ate because I knew she wouldn’t let her stave, but if Chucky is a picky eater who to blame for. Over a period of time I did accept the fact that she is a picky eater and no one could change that at least in the near future. I felt bad when I heard they had to skip their routine activities because they were busy with Chucky, I am also thankful to them that they helped us, because getting a daycare/nanny arrangement wasn’t an option; They did their best to help us in the situation we were, they said it’s their responsibility but I never believed that its grandparents duty to take care of grandchildren.
Whatever I have heard and learned about my MIL from R was that she was stubborn and adamant in her views and no one could ever change her, and I used to worry too much because I had my own views which never matched with hers. But looking at the way things went this time I knew if she could change at the age of 60 even I could change or accept few things. After all we all have our own views, likes and dislikes. We become better social animals when we start accepting other’s views without judging them. I am sure I will master that skill through my life.
All in all the stay was pleasant and there were no questioning or complaining. Usually my MIL doesn’t say anything to me, she tells R and he brings it up to me, I hate that, if she doesn’t like something about me she can tell me on my face. But this time after the trip R asked me what did I do that she had no complaints about me. I told him that it is not that I did something, she has changed, she is ready to accept me the way I am. R and I will be completing 5years of marriage in June and this is the time first I met most of his relatives. I used to think that they hate me, R was a sweet child everyone adored him and he getting married to an outside caste/state was a shock for most of them. I too believed that they hate me. I met them for a function and I am surprised beyond words, they just love me genuinely, at least they did talk to me very nicely. After all I am happy to know that I have a huge extended family that cares about my well being. The best part of the meet was they are amazed to see me speaking Telugu, when they met me for wedding I didn’t even know a word of that language. I can tell you speaking the same language as them did help me to connect and bond faster. I didn’t put any extra effort to learn the language it came naturally when I heard others speaking. But R and I don’t speak even now in that. Is that the reason we always speak and think in different levels?
I try to be a perfectionist, means I spend a lot of time making it that way, in that effort I spent lot of energy and time. I do expect the same thing from people around me, and now I realize that is unfair. Because of this nature of mine I get into trouble with people around me. R keeps reminding me that each of us is different and we have our own strengths and weaknesses. I am in the process of learning that, if I am successful then we are successful.
Happy Women’s Day to you all. You are as special as anyone else.
